| life's insane dude. |
[Jun. 5th, 2009|03:02 am] |
so it's been forever since my last update. SORRY! i've been reading your stuff though...promise. lol. it's just that everytime i think of something to say i'm not near a computer and when i am...well then i just go blank.
life has been random lately. some fun ness and some dull ness. i suppose that's ok. amanda is home from school but i haven't gotten to see her as much as i'd like because she's been busy visiting all her other friends and going out of town and such. plus everytime we've hung out we've been with scott and will (who is hounding her because he wants a girlfriend...oy.). i mean i love the guys and everything but i want alone time with amac! lol. she picked me up from work monday (my car was in the shop...$400 for one stinkin' part to be fixed) and we hung out. it was great because we did nothing but had fun.
i just wish i had more one-on-one time with my friends. lately it seems anytime i try to just spend time with someone it's interrupted a million times by the same person. especially when i'm with scott or amanda. will calls like 3 times an hour when he has a phone. no joke. the other day scott and i had plans to go eat dinner at my mom's. he called about an hour before we had to leave and scott said he'd call after dinner. then when we were on the way down he called again. then once during the meal and again when we were on our way. really? the beauty of cell phones is the missed call and text message features. one, you can call and we will see it...even if we don't answer. and that generally means we'll call back when we can. two, texts? you can sum up what you need to say in about 100 characters or at least ask for a phone call when the person is free. that's all you need to do if you want to get in touch with someone. especially when you already know they're busy. and if they don't call back....wait a few hours before trying again. or at least 30 minutes. please. you're getting on my nerves!!!! i want to spend time with my boyfriend and/or best friend without constantly being hounded. arg.
anyway that just frustrates me. other then that life has been pretty good. work has been a little stressful but i'm trying to relax and let go. i can only do so much and they're not giving me the help i'm supposed to have so i'll do my 40 hours and take care of my responsibilities and that's it. the rest is up to the managers. if i'm behind i'll ask for help...if i don't get it that's their problem. i'm supposed to get 10 hours of help for my dept. each week. i don't. so i'm not gonna worry about this shit anymore. i can't let myself get so wound up about things that are outside of my control. i'm 21. my biggest concern should be school.
speaking of school, i'm ready to go back. this year has been a blissful break (even if i have to work) but i don't want to be stuck at the fresh market forever thanks. i just have to figure out what i want to do. i mean, i know what i want to major in (interior design) but i'm not sure where i want to go to school. i want to be able to take all online or mostly online classes. Art institute would work perfectly but it's also ridiculously expensive. i think at least for the fall i'm going to take classes at CP (the community college in Charlotte) and then figure out what i want to do from there. i really am just ready to get school over with so i can move on with my life. this is taking too long and i'm ready to do grown up things like get married and have a family. in order to do that i need to be set financially first so time to finish school...for better or for worse.
anyway, i hope everyone is enjoying summer as much as i am, and i hope it's not raining too much wherever you may be! (it's raing sooo much here :( ) |
|
|
| you know, i feel like eatin' a cookie... |
[Apr. 13th, 2009|10:54 pm] |
so life has been damn wonderful lately.
the first weekend of the month i went out to ECU to visit my best friend for her 21st birthday. it was great!!! i got there about 9 friday night and two of my other best friends were already there. i hopped in the shower while gloria (the birthday girl) made me dinner (yummy!). after we ate and such i called up an old friend that gloria and i used to work with, zach, and he came over along with a bunch of her friends to pregame. Then at midnight we hopped on the drunk bus to go to the club. we got there and they tried to tell me my ID was fake. i was so frustrated...i really am 21 thank you! and the most irritating part was they let zach in no problem...and he was the one with the fake! but oh well. they ended up letting me in after threatening to run my license and not scaring me. lol. i got drunk...as did everyone else. we ended up leaving about 130 when gloria started to get sick. random ass people were buying her patron shots. crazy. i ended up staying up til 4 just talking to zach...poor thing i talked his ear off all weekend. the next night was the actual birthday party and again...i got drunk. i drank half a bottle of rum. then sunday was lazy day with gloria and our two friends that go to chapel hill. it was great. we played a board game, cleaned her apt, messed around online, read books, watched tv. i love lazy day! then monday was some quality time just me and glo. woo. i headed home monday afternoon and it was so great to be back home.
this week was spring break for the public schools in charlotte so my mom and younger brothers went to florida. ben, the 19 year old brother, came home from uncw on wednesday to party. that was a bit irritating because all weekend he was begging me to buy him beer. i'll do it every once in a while, no problem. but really? four nights in a row? and you're gonna bitch if my friend drinks some of the beer? really? um...no. i'm not gonna keep putting myself at risk for your stupidity thanks. anywho, i joined the first party since i had my rum. i got really drunk...but hey, i made it to work the next morning! zach, abbey, and nikki came over so the four of us hung out away from my brother's friends. i drank way too much...i was still drunk at work the next morning.
this weekend was roy's birthday. he's good friends with scott so we had to go to the party. he and two other people rented out alley cats which is a club in downtown charlotte. ahh...for the fourth time in a week i got incredibly drunk. i spent 30 on drinks, and then liz, paul, and corey bought everyone drinks. it got quite ridiculous. poor scott isn't 21 yet so he was dd. i feel terrible...apparently we were screaming the whole ride home and had the music way too loud. luckily no one got sick until we made it back to the house. corey and i were laying on the couches and scott had to move the giant trashcan back and forth between us while paul sat in the chair saying "i feel so bad...i got everyone drunk" haha. i felt terrible because i ended up missing easter at my house. scott and i didn't get back to his apt til 7am and then neither of us woke up to the alarms. :(
i feel like this recap makes me sound like an alcoholic...but i never drink like this. scott's birthday is in 10 days and i'll have to do it all again. then....a nice long break from drinking like this. haha. really, my poor body needs to detox and rehydrate. but at least i've had a blast. and i've stayed safe. i'm so glad to have friends i can trust and a boyfriend that will take good care of me.
honestly, i love scott more everyday. i don't deserve someone who loves me so much. but since i've been blessed with his love and such, i'm not about to give it up. |
|
|
| little boxes made of ticky-tacky |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|03:51 am] |
i can't sleep.
i'm feeling random.
so here's a list:
1. i love falling in love. and i love that i randomly feel like i'm falling in love with scott over and over for the first time.
2. i feel incredibly happy with my life right now.
3. i think i've been drinking too much lately. although, i haven't gotten drunk in far too long.
4. i need to go shopping because i've gained weight but i think i'm ok with it. my boyfriend reminds me i'm beautiful everyday.
5. i don't know where i'd be right now without scott's love and support. it's cliche and gushy sounding but it's true and i thank god for bringing him into my life daily. he has no idea the number of times answering the phone has saved me from my own depression.
6. i feel stupid for gushing about my boyfriend...sorry!
7. my life is nothing like i imagined it would be at this point. i always thought i'd go to college, graduate, move out, then start my life on my own. i'm doing these out of order, but i like how it's turned out.
8. i have recently gotten the idea of marriage stuck in my head. it thrills me and terrifies me all at once. but...i'm not quite ready yet.
9. weeds is an addicting tv show.
10. i've changed a lot in a year but i don't think anyone other then me can really tell. |
|
|
| |
[Feb. 25th, 2009|08:11 pm] |
sorry i've disappeared for a bit...again. nothing really special to say.
i just redid my layout...sorta...let me know what you think. it's the same style just new pictures and colors lol. |
|
|
| what's truely important.... |
[Feb. 3rd, 2009|03:37 am] |
ok, so first of all i'm sorry! i haven't updated in forever...mostly for lack of anything to say. haha. so um...let's see....
1. my birthday was pretty awesome. i worked that day but then had 5 lovely, lazy days off. on my birthday scott and i found a funky little restaurant in the first ward downtown. it was in a historic building and nestled between a bunch of old homes and such. i must say, charlotte has lovely surprises sometimes! :D anyway it turns out my birthday weekend was the weekend of weird tables. no joke. at this place we sat in this tiny booth in the back. it was one sided with a heater underneath (sounded random but the draft kinda swirled right to our corner when the door opened so it was nice). scott and i were a bit squished together but it was cozy and the food was yummy. also, i had mentioned that it was my birthday in front of the man that sat us (i think he was an owner or manager) and we ended up getting a free dessert! pretty great considering most places charge you :( haha.
anyway, after dinner things kinda went downhill. we got in the car to go home and scott's friend from winston-salem called. to say he was in the parking lot. of scott's apartment complex. after scott told him he was busy for the night. because it was my birthday. needless to say i was incredibly pissed because it was my birthday and i had made it very clear to scott that i wanted it to be all about me. and he was prepared to let that happen, but this kid just showed up. so then it ended up that people came over to scott's apartment that i didn't even want to hang out with and ended up staying until elevenish. not that late, but i had been up since 730 and had worked all day. i just wanted my alone relaxing time for my birthday. and winston-salem-friend even had the nerve to argue with me when i banned them from playing the 360 because i was watching TV. with each passing minute i got more and more irritated. and i felt bad for scott because i knew he felt uncomfortable sending them away after they drove an hour and a half (even if they were uninvited) and he also felt bad for my birthday getting screwed up.
after i got fed up and actually bitched at people and told them it was time to go (i felt a tiny bit bad but it was my friggin birthday so fuck you) they left and scott apologized profusely for everything. it was so sweet. he really did spend the rest of the weekend treating me like a princess.
saturday we spent being super lazy. saturday night scott started feeling a little sick - headache and such. as the night went on i woke up about a million times to push him away from me...he ended up getting a fever and it was so high every time he tried to cuddle with me i ended up breaking out in a sweat :( i felt really bad for him. the next morning we were supposed to leave for charleston really early and he was supposed to drive (we took my car but as much as i love driving, i feel 100% safe with him behind the wheel and can actually relax as a passenger). well, with his fever i ordered him into the passenger seat with a pillow and blanket for the trip. i ended up stopping at target to get a thermometer and Tylenol in an attempt to keep track of and kill his fever. i also stopped at starbucks (gift card!) and bought him an orange juice which i forced down his throat. of course...it all only helped a little :( but after driving 3 hours in the rain i got us safely to our beautiful hotel in downtown charleston. it was two blocks off market street in a historic building. we checked in 30 minutes early and i decided we'd hang out in the room for a while - i wanted a nap and scott was still sick and sleepy. so we went up and oh. my. god. the room was beautiful. it had old hardwood floors, shutters, a beautiful vanity in the bathroom. i loved it. it was cozy and cute and perfect. anywho, we spent the weekend alternating between walking around downtown and relaxing in our room. it was great. we came home tuesday and then i had wednesday to be lazy before going back to work. exactly what i needed.
ok, there's other stuff i wanna say but it's after 4 and i have to work at 8 so...bed time. |
|
|
| |
[Jan. 10th, 2009|03:17 am] |
so i finally finished cleaning about an hour ago. it didn't really help that i accidentally fell asleep for a little over an hour when i was about halfway done but oh well. i cleaned EVERYTHING...except the top shelves of my closet. but they're not too big of a deal. this is a huge deal though...you have no idea. i had so much random stuff all over the floor of my room that i was pretty much the only one that could walk through it without hurting myself. a suitcase from this summer, bo)xes filled with bills and papers from the last few months (i don't have a desk in my room...), various pieces of mail and papers all over my table and chairs. crafts stuff that i took out and got bored with stacked and buried in various places. basically just little things that accumulated to ridiculousness. haha. but today i went out and bought a 4-drawer platic thing from target because they had a sale (it was $35 originally...i bought it for $20) and it worked out great. there's a whole drawer for important papers (old bill statements, check stubs, car title, insurance info etc), then a drawer for blank paper...printer paper, notebooks, notepads. another for construction paper and random electronic cords. i have about a million old phone chargers and power cords and things that i find necessary to save...so yeah. then a drawer for pens, pencils, glue sticks, tape...you know all that little stuff. it's dumb but i'm really excited because it makes me feel organized. i also went through my clothes and got rid of everything that i try to keep because "it kinda fits" haha. the boxes are gone, my clothes are put away (although...i missing a lot and they're on scott's floor...ugh more cleaning sunday). the only thing that's not fixed is my bed...but since at some point i'll be sleeping i'm not too worried about that. haha.
anyway. now that my room is clean i get to make a new bag with my sewing machine. i'm excited because i'm kinda making this up as i go along so i'm hoping it will come out right. but i bought myself an iron (clearence - $5) and a tabletop ironing board ($10) today as well so now i've got pretty much everything i need for that. ahhh...i am so excited. i know i don't need to be spending money on stuff but i'm glad i'm buying things for ME for once....and they're practical! haha. now no one can really say i'm wasting money because a drawer organizer lasts me years (my other one i've had since my junior year of high school...it's been moved to different houses, and away at college twice...totally worth the $15 or so it cost) and some day i may actually want to iron my clothes! haha. yay for practical shopping.
really though. i don't know what else i wanted to say :( i'm in a really good mood today though. i'm super excited about my birthday. not so much because i'm gonna be 21 (don't get me wrong...that's always fun) but mostly because i absolutely love my birthday. i always have. there have been a few bad ones and all but still...it's my favorite day of the year. i get to chose anything and everything and i don't mind spending money on myself on random junk even for no reason. this year i really think scott and i are going to charleston for a few nights since i worked out a nice long weekend (5 days) off from work. but i stll haven't made reservations :( i need to tget on that.
i'm excited for this year. really excited. there will be rocky times i'm sure but there's so much to look forward to. i plan on moving out sooon....i just need to work it in my budget and figure out what i want to do exactly. work may be moving to a brand new building next winter which will be exciting. i really enjoy my job...even with the stress and such, and i'm glad that i'm constantly challenged. plus i am trying to make a choice about school. for just under $1000 there's a program where you can get a degree in home staging from this school that's advertised on HGTV and they offer you a position with the company upon completion of the course. i'd really like to do that because it's a work at your own pace program and right now they have a money back guarantee for a job. that would be great because then it's one step towards interior design for a lot less money and time. i'm also thinking that this summer i may take some classes towards getting a realtor's lisence. i think it will not only be good "just in case" in the future, but combined with a staging certificate and a future design degree? think of the services i could offer. let me sell your home...and stage it so buyers can't resist making an offer.....i'm glad i was able to help you purchase your new home, now let me help decorate. not a combination of services you hear about often but soooo worth it i'm thinking. especially since your making money for each service :D. anyway, i'm excited for all the possibilities...and the fact that i'm happy right now haha. |
|
|
| |
[Jan. 9th, 2009|07:58 pm] |
i have some stuff to say...nothing exciting but whatever. BUT i have to wait...i really need to clean my room. like yesterday. so i'll update later.
and ONE WEEK FROM TODAY I WILL BE 21 WOOOOOO!!! i <3 my birthday! |
|
|
| good morning! |
[Jan. 6th, 2009|10:12 am] |
so....it's barely 10 and my day is almost halfway over...thank god. i had to be at work at 5am for inventory...woo for counting candy! lol. so "lunch" today was/is 930-1030. i was gonna go to starbucks but all i wanted was a bagel so i ended up at panera. yummmmy! i'm glad since i haven't been here in ages. i got a chocolate chip bagel (my favorite) and i get to use their wireless. i know it's weird that i brought my computer to work but it's cuz i'm going up to scott's afterwards so i brought it instead of having to go home first. anywho...it is so relaxing and mellow here. i love it. although....i feel like i'm in an airport for some reason. haha. but i get off at 1 today which is awesome. i had to stay for an extra hour yesterday so i get to leave an hour early today.
so i love this computer. the battery lasts for pretty much...ever. especially since the old one would die literally after ten or fifteen minutes. i can't get over it. and this computer is so much faster. it takes like two seconds to start up from sleep mode, and if it's shut down it takes maybe a minute to start. really? how awesome is that!!?? seriously, if you ever sat down to use my old computer (an hp, btw) it would take ten minutes to start....ok maybe five. but it was a good while. it took over a minute to kick back on after it had been asleep. and it was just really slow. granted, when i first got it i thought it was fast as hell because there was nothing on it...but still. this is fun.
ok, i'm rambling and it's time to head back to the store (sometimes it takes a few even though i'm right across the street...lame.)
♥ |
|
|
| |
[Dec. 29th, 2008|02:31 am] |
ok, so once again it's been ages since i've updated. my apologies.
christmas was pretty good. i kinda felt like i overdosed on family time...but oh well. the week before christmas i had to work 6 days which blew chunks but the paycheck was pretty nice :D anyway, work wise the holiday was insane... i'm still picking up the pieces. my department was basically destroyed and picked clean lol. the way the store is set up the line wrapped around my "island" pretty much all day for three days so i couldn't even get to any displays or anything to fix or fill them. i did my best but come friday everything was a disaster. oh well. hopefully i'll get done with fixing shit this week.
outside of work things were alright too. the week felt like it was dragging on forever but oh well. my mom has been sick for like two and a half weeks. sunday before christmas she went to the hospital to get an IV because she's been vomiting and has had diarrhea pretty much constantly. i feel really bad for her, but i've been avoiding being around because i can't afford to get sick too...i can't miss work like she can. anyway, ben helped watch the boys since he's been home from school and they cleaned the whole house on monday. except the kitchen...i did that after work sunday. tuesday my grandparents came, later then planned but since mom was sick she didn't want them there til she felt better. anyway, christmas eve i left work a bit after 4. went home, had dinner and such, then we opened one present for the whole family. Scene it: Seinfeld Edition. We all grew up watching the show with our parents and it's dad's favorite show so this was awesome. Go mom! lol. anyway all six of us played and my grandparents watched (my dad came over for dinner on christmas eve and spent christmas day at the house). we had a great time...dad and luke ended up winning. anywho...after the game i went to bed because i was exhausted and knew the next day was gonna be crazy. i fell asleep at like 10 and didn't wake up until after 6am.
Christmas day my brothers didn't wake me up til 745 which is the latest we've EVER gotten up on christmas morning. thank god! santa came for the younger two and filled our stockings. the boys got razor scooters and a hot air popcorn popper. then jacob played santa and we opened the rest of the presents. in my family "santa" passes out the presents one at a time and we all watch the person open their gift. it takes forever but it's good for pictures and we all get our moment i guess. anyway, everything i got for the family they loved. mom was kinda sad because she couldn't eat her chocolate from the godiva bear but other then that it was all good. ben actually lost all his cards so the poker thing was good and my dad set up his picture frame thing as soon as we got to his house to open gifts from his momma. I got a bunch of stuff but the best was the sewing machine which is the only thing i asked for :D i also got over $400 from my grandparents on both sides to go towards a new computer. 200 of it were for my birthday which is 19 days away!!!!
after we went to dad's we went back to my house and scott came over and we exchanged gifts. mom got him a metallica shirt which was pretty groovy of her. but he was so excited over my gift. he opened the picture of us first and was like "oh...cool..." and then he opened the first set of album frames and was soooo excited. it was great. :D he got me a visor CD holder that has tinkerbell on it which was cool. especially since he forgot that my old one that's stretched out had her on it too. lol. he also got me a stress-relieving steering wheel cover which is awesome because i have been complaining about how cold the wheel is at 7am when i go to work. he's also getting a car wash for me from autobell which i'm really excited about. they clean the inside and outside. woooo! after our presents we had dinner which was alright then i took a nap while scott watched the boys play with the new wii fit.
next scott and i drove to gastonia and spent time with his family and such. he spent most of the time before dinner watching his cousin play wii. geez...most of his day was watching little kids play video games. haha. after dinner we opened more presents. his parents got me a $35 gift card to best buy (which turned out to be awesome) and his maw-maw gave me some candy. how sweet of her!!!!
finally about 730 we left and went to his apartment where i finally felt like i could relax. haha. anyway, i had to work the next morning so really i felt like i didn't get a day off until today. all i did was sleep. i swear, i napped last night then fell asleep about 12 and didn't wake up til 11 then fell back asleep til 2. it was great.i needed the rest. and today i did the best thing ever.
i went to best buy. and bought myself a brand new macbook!!!! i'm so excited!!! it's awesome and i've wanted it for a while so this was great. i put $600 on a best buy credit card which gives me no interest for 18 months. that's about $33 a month to have it paid off before then...easy. then i used $300 of the $400 plus $30 of my own. so yeah. scott also bought me a RAM upgrade to take it from 1GB to 2. it was an $80 card but they had it on the wrong hook which had a $30 tag so they were able to give it to us for that. AWESOME!!!! plus my computer was $100 off because the only one they had left in the store was returned. they check it to make sure everything is ok though and if anything is wrong i can take it back no questions asked and i don't have to pay the restocking fee so that's good. but yeah...basically this is the coolest thing. i honestly can't believe i bought myself a computer!!!!!! |
|
|
| |
[Dec. 4th, 2008|11:27 pm] |
wooo! i'm done christmas shopping! all i need to get is the gift for scott's parents but i know what we're getting them. i just need a lil bit of money from him and then i'll buy it. but i'm getting it from work so it's awesome. we're getting them a box of godiva, some christmas coffee, and a nut gift box. the godiva is 10% til christmas eve, plus i get a 20% discount, plus buying coffee and candy is good for me because it makes my numbers look good :D so yeah. that's good. and i'm sooo excited about all the stuff i bought.
1. my mom - *she collects santas* when scott and i went to asheville for our anniversary i bought my mom a santa decoration. plus every year i've worked at fresh i've bought her a godiva bear. they have a small box of chocolate and they have the year embroidered on their feet...so cute! :D
2. gloria (my "sister") - also in asheville i found this lotion and such brand in a store called Meso Pretty...which is perfect because gloria's middle name is meso :D
3. ben (19 year old brother) - a small travel poker set from target, it was $5 and just has a little case with two decks of cards. we don't usually get stuff for each other so it'll be nice
4. dad - his birthday was last saturday and i got him Seinfeld season 4 on DVD so his christmas present is going to be small. i just got him a cool picture frame and i ordered prints from our trip to arkansas this summer to put in it. the frame is a cube that sits on a corner and spins. i figured he'd like it and it'd be cool to have on his desk.
5. jacob (11...12 on saturday...brother) - for his birthday (this saturday...geesh!) i got him a new wallet with the panthers logo because they're his favorite team, a $4.99 card for text messages for the GO phone he's getting (i still can't believe a cell phone at 12....i was friggin 14 and a freshman in high school and even then i had to beg), and some stuff from the $1 section at target: a lollipop, a "grow your own pirate" (one of those things you put in water and they grow), and one of those little metal puzzle things you have to try to get apart. it's wrapped in a plastic container made to look like those old-fashioned popcorn bags. so fun. then for christmas i found this 5-in-1 game at the toy store for only like $20. it has mini pool, bowling, soccer, basketball, and hockey. kinda cool.
6. lucas (10 year old brother) - this $40 k'nex set that i got for $20 on black friday :D it has 3 separate building kits, each make 10 different things. so all together he can build 30 different things! he'll love it :D
7. amanda and abbey (friends) - more $1 section stuff :D a set of 3 mini martini glasses, 1 regular sized martini glass, 3 mini martini mixers (makes like one martini exactly), a mini martini shaker. (they're big liquor drinkers haha)
8. ian (friend) - $1 section: a mini gumball machine, extra gumballs, 3 little candy filled ornaments, and a lollipop. (he's got expensive taste and is incredibly hard to shop for but...i decided to go inexpensive on everyone because we usually do secret santa anyway)
9. karen (friend) - $1 section: lotion, manicure set, diffuser, a small basket, and body wash
and last but certainly the BEST :D
10. scott - a framed picture of us from our anniversary. when i bought my dad's gift from brookstone i got a $20 gift card on my purchase of $50 or more so i bought a set of four album frames from them and then i bought 2 metallica albums. his favorite (ride the lightening) and his second fave (master of puppets). he has nothing on his walls or anything so i think he'll really like this. i'm so excited. i asked his best friend and he agreed so we'll see. i can't wait!!!! haha.
anyway, other then crazyness at work that's been the only really exciting thing. last saturday my brother and i took my dad out to dinner. on black friday i went shopping with my friend abby but we didn't go until 8ish that night so it wasn't too busy anymore thank god. tomorrow i'm having dinner with the family for jacob's birthday. and that's about it. :D ah...my boring life.
oh and i've had a few emotional breakdowns lately. i've just been feeling sad and lonely and i don't know. and for some reason i found it necessary to tell scott and then i just kinda broke down. not hysterical, just really sad. but i feel bad because i feel like i rely on him too much. i have other friends but only one that lives in charlotte and we don't hang out too often. and lately i've just felt so un-girlfriend-y. my way of explaining it is that i feel more like a wife then a girfriend. i can be bossy, i plan out meals, go grocery shopping, and turn down sex because i'm tired. :( girlfriends don't do that. wives do that. plus i just feel super unsexy lately. of course he hugged me and told me i was being ridiculous and that it was ok. but still...i just feel so...not like a girlfriend :( oh well. |
|
|
| and how do i escape? |
[Oct. 29th, 2008|10:58 pm] |
i am so frustrated.
first of all, my computer crapped the fuck out. i want to cry. i'm not quite sure what happened but something did. and now it's dead. i'm sure i could get it fixed but really i just want to get a new one. i'm asking for a macbook for christmas. my grandparents said they'd give me a few hundred towards it and i'm going to ask my other grandma. so let's hope that goes well. i'll be excited.
second. i'm just irritated with scott at the moment. because once again he's being an asshole without meaning to. he just doesn't get it.
anyway work is good...crazy though. christmas is coming and i'm already feeling overwhelmed. this week is going to be insane. but i'm psyched. |
|
|
| don't lie to me. |
[Oct. 18th, 2008|10:51 pm] |
Everything is so twisted lately.
One day i'm perfectly happy and content. My job, relationship, and all are well. It's great. Honestly.
The next I'm crying for hours hysterically. I don't want to be with Scott anymore. I want to stop living...but don't quite want to die. I want to quit my life and run away.
So what the hell is wrong with me?
First of all, I wish I had someone to confide in. A friend that will stay up late with me when I want to cry. A friend that will come the instant she hears pain in my voice. A friend that will drag me out to make me smile. A friend that will do everything I need in a friend right now. I will return the favor...no questions asked. I don't mind listening all night to your problems. I will come over just to give you a hug to remind you that someone care. I will do it all. Hell...I have. And now i'm seeing nothing in return.
I was all excited because Amanda and Ian were coming home for their fall break. Right now I really have no one to hang out with on a regular basis. No one I'm close to lives near me and I often feel like my phone calls are just an inconvenience they put up with out of twisted obligation. So this meant a break from the norm. We went out for dinner, went to Amanda's, went to a movie, hung out in Blakeney. It was a great, normal night. Right? Um no. The whole time I was constantly interrupted so that they could continue the conversation I was included in. Everything I had to say wasn't as great as "do you remember that night?....omg I know!!!...." and you know what? I was never even filled in on what was so damn hysterical. Not only was I ignored or treated like the tag-a-long little sister but I wasn't even clued in. These people are supposed to be two of my best friends and not once did they even ask how my life was going. Mostly they didn't give a damn since I don't go out and drink every night and I work instead of going to school right now. I guess being different means I'm no longer welcome in the little clique I was so confident would last a lifetime. And when I finally decided I really had to get home to sleep so I could work in the morning I was being silly and boring because I wasn't staying up have the night.
I guess I'm just no fun anymore.
Scott seems to think the same thing. Even if he is completely unwilling to admit it. He has no desire to spend time with me. I feel like a fool begging to spend time by ourselves but I feel like it's the only way I get to hang out with my boyfriend. He will talk on the phone with me when he's alone but as soon as someone calls on the other line or shows up at the door he says "Can I let you go?" even if I'm in the middle of a sentence. When he breaks plans and I bitch then...well then I'm just a bitch. When he is rude to me and I'm upset and try incredibly hard to explain it rather then yell...he says "I'm sorry" but the same thing happens two nights later. When I come up to his apartment he's constantly leaving the room to smoke something or he's engrossed in a video game. When no one else is over and I have to go to bed early he'll mess around on the computer instead of at least lying in bed with me. It's like driving 30 minutes to get the same thing I have at home...loneliness.
I know it's probably all my fault. I'm incredibly stressed and exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well because I can't get comfortable for more then 2.4 seconds in my own bed. I spend all day alone at work then just ramble when I get a chance to talk to someone. I'm constantly making lists in my head of the things I really should get done...but actually accomplish nothing because I spend all that extra time sleeping or watching TV or relaxing in some way. And so I'm physically and emotionally worn the fuck out. I guess maybe I'm just taking that out on everyone. Either by closing my self off or annoying the crap out of Scott. Either way I just wish someone would notice and try to help. Scott knows all my issues...I tell him everything. And yet he is unwilling to be supportive. I feel deserted and alone by everyone and everything.
I really need a real life real true friend.
how do i look for friends? |
|
|
| |
[Oct. 16th, 2008|12:06 am] |
as of last week i am officially the coffee/candy specialist at my store.
i'm really lovin' it.
i got a raise for being full-time and things were pretty ok. then out of nowhere the c/c specialist puts in her two weeks. hell yes. ok, so other people wanted it and of all of them i think maybe one or two others really had a shot at the position but mike chose me. woooo! lol. and that meant another raise. so now i'm doing stuff all day. it's awesome. basically i plan my whole day...if i feel like bagging candy all morning and doing something else after lunch that's fine. no one is sitting there telling me when to go on break when to do this or that. and i have no retarded people to supervise and i don't really deal with pissed off customers. pretty much i really enjoy the new job. i'm still nervous about my success v. failure because while i love the lack of supervision there's no real measure of if i'm doing a good job. mike isn't patting me on the back every step of the way. which i don't expect, but at the same time i'm nervous that i'm gonna screw everything up. but then...i guess he'd be yelling at me. so no news is good news haha.
anyway, other then the job nothing is goin' on in life. things with scott are great. i had an emotional breakdown last night but it was ok. i feel bad because i think he was half irritated and half feeling guilty but really the whole situation wasn't his fault. all he wanted to do was watch a movie and i said fine and he did. and then....bawling. haha. but it wasn't that i didn't want him to watch the movie it was just a million things in one and i guess i just let something stupid set me off. but it was alright. i cried a lot and then felt much better. and he left me alone the whole time. which is really what i needed i didn't want someone saying it's ok i'm sorry blah blah blah because it just wouldn't help. i'd calm down and pretend to be ok for his sake. and really i think i'm just stressed out about life and need time to cry. it's healthy. :D so anywho, he finally came back in the room to see what was up and i relaxed and we slept. woo. and both of us missed our alarms. oops. but i wasn't late to work too bad so all was well. plus i got OT today because i worked the grand opening of the lake norman store. (it's gorgeous by the way!)
ok...that's about it.
oh...i need an apt but i'm scared to live alone (i know...lame.) and i want to live on this side of town. what to do? |
|
|
| i hate eggs. |
[Sep. 18th, 2008|12:40 am] |
so the trip to asheville? it was awesome! :D we were lucky to have amazing weather and even though gas was pricey it was worth it. we had a smooth trip out there...and since scott drove i got to take a nap. after we checked into the hotel we had some fun ;) and then headed out to dinner. we went to ichiban...one of those japanese places where they cook in front of you. it sucked. i love those places but our chef was not good. the whole cooking thing is supposed to be a performance and he messed up on a few of the most common tricks. i know i couldn't do them, but i've never seen someone trained that couldn't. and the food was just not really worth the price. but oh well i guess. after dinner we decided to go downtown and found a block party. there was a band there that was great...and the kids seriously looked like the were in middle school. it was incredible. after that we walked around for a while then decided to go back to the hotel a little early so we could chill and sleep because we had to be up early. we spent the next day exploring asheville shopping and looking around and just enjoying ourselves. it was great. we went to this hot dog place scott fell in love with the last time we went up there for lunch so that was good. point is we had a great time.
so now i'm making a scrapbook from the trip. i'm excited because i've never done scrapbooking before and i decided now is a great time to start. :D so far it looks awesome. i'm so excited.
and yeah. i don't really have much else to say. work is still frustrating as hell and i'm sorta looking for a new job but i'm not really putting my heart into it at the moment. and that's pretty much it.
♥ |
|
|
| seriously this blows. |
[Sep. 10th, 2008|12:35 am] |
| [ | Sitting |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | Feeling |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | Hearing |
| | Law & Order: Criminal Intent | ] |
I am so frustrated right now.
Ok, so for the last six months I've been trying for that stupid promotion. Then I get it. Then...I don't? I was offered the position and then told it was filled. Then I was offered another (similar) position. Not the one I wanted. It's the same idea sure. But a HUGE thing at TFM is our customer service "spotlight" program. We're supposed to recommend stuff to our customers. I don't eat our snack mixes. Mostly because I have an allergy to walnuts. So I avoid all nuts (except peanuts). How do I recommend things I've never tried? I have had most of the different candies. And I know which coffees are great. Which is why that's the position I wanted. Now, I'm going from a part-time position (although I work full-time hours) to a full time position with a large amount of responsibility in comparison to my current position. If I stayed as a front-end assistant and just switched to full-time I would probably make about $1 raise. Possibly less, but I would only be driving what ten minutes? I was offered this promotion with a $1 raise. I'd be driving 40 minutes from my house, 20 from university city if I move there. For a $1? Seriously? I was told I would get a substantial raise. $1 is not enough. Hell fucking no. So I don't think I'm going to accept the promotion. I'd rather stay where I am until something more worthwhile comes along. I don't want to stay with the company much longer though.
I think it's time to find a new job. I'm really thinking I'd like to work at a company that's open 9-5(ish) M-F. I could handle weekends too I suppose. Haha. But the point is, I think a new job may be worth it. Something where I can afford more, and have some flexibility with my nights. That's huge for me. Not knowing until the weekend before when I'll be working and the huge variety in times is frustrating. I could go in at 9 one day, after working til 930 the night before. It's irritating and tiring. I don't know. I'm really ready for a change, and apparently it's not going to come from within the company I'm already with. The only thing I'm nervous about has to do with benefits and pay and flexibility. I want to be able to go to school. I need health insurance. I need to make enough money to pay the bills and then some. Mostly I'm scared to lose the security I have now. What if I fuck up? If I lose a new job will I be able to go back to the old one? I know the fresh market will not want to let me go. I have a great relationship with all the people above me and I work hard. Yeah, sometimes I slack off for whatever reason but when it comes down to it I'm a hard worker, I'm reliable, and I am great with customers. So will they take me back if I leave and fail somewhere else? Ah...nerves.
On to better things....
Sunday is my one year anniversary with Scott. I can't believe it honestly. How did we go from friends hanging out on a friday night because everyone else was gone...to in love and together for a year? I know, a year isn't all that long when you compare it to past relationships we've both had, but it feels like forever. We've been through a lot, and everyday our relationship feels stronger. Sure we fight and bicker, but everytime we get into an argument I know that we'll work it out or it's frivolous and will just disappear. I'm so happy with Scott. Even with all the doubts I've had I honestly believe I could spend the rest of my life with him. It scares the shit out of me to know that this could be it, but at the same time I'm confident that I will be happy if it is.
Anyway....we're going to Asheville on saturday after I get off work. I can't wait! I'm going to book a hotel in the morning near the Biltmore Estate. It's so pretty there and I can't wait to spend a night in a hotel with my boyfriend. It's silly but it's yet another first to share with Scott and it'll be fun. Plus, it'll feel like a vacation even though it's just a little more then a day trip. A vacation is something we both need desperately. I just hope it goes as well as we both want it to. :D
It's always fun to end on a happy note.
♥ |
|
|
| i <3 ace of cakes. geez. |
[Sep. 5th, 2008|01:19 am] |
so tomorrow morning i have my FOURTH interview for the position I was already offered. how fucking ridiculous. i mean, i understand the whole having to interview with the store manager bit, but at the same time edward offered me the position and what if the manager decides he wants someone else? i swear i'll flip a shit because i'm tired of people saying "oh you got it...just one thing" and then letting me down. i dunno...i'm just fed up with it. i can't afford to be let down right now. i want something different and i've been spending six months trying for this stupid job. i dunno...i just don't want to be disappointed i guess. not when i've been given the job you know? let's cross our fingers i guess.
anyway...i'm watching ace of cakes. if you haven't seen it...you need to. they seriously make the most bad ass cakes. no joke. i would love to be bff with one of the people so i could have badass cakes all the time. lol. seriously though...they're just really cool lookin'.
♥ |
|
|
| lalalala |
[Sep. 1st, 2008|10:48 pm] |
| [ | Sitting |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | Feeling |
| |  sore | ] |
| [ | Hearing |
| | jon and kate plus 8 | ] |
i know....i haven't updated in forever. sorry!!!! i've been reading my friends page but yeah...i just really haven't had much to say.
all the people in my group have headed back to school except karen who will be leaving in a bit under two weeks :( i miss them already but i'm excited because i'll be able to go out to visit everyone this semester.
i got the promotion i wanted at work! i'm actually really excited about it. the details aren't worked out yet, but my DM made the offer last week. i just have to find somewhere to live. of course, now my mom says that i don't really have to move out if i don't feel like it. but i want to. i think she's just afraid that when i leave i won't go back to school because i'll still have to work full time. i'm not worried about it though. i have been working 30ish hours for the last year and going to school full time so i'm pretty damn sure i can handle 40 hours and school. it will be a challenge sure but hey it's groovy. i don't mind being challenged.
anywhoooooo......everything is going great with scott. i've been really bitchy lately and he's been great about it. but most of the bitchyness is towards his friends because they've been taking advantage of him. he's the only one that lives there and yet we are NEVER alone. even at night. people are constantly spending the night, calling from the gate and showing up at the door - without calling first, getting pissed off when scott isn't home for whatever reason. it's so frustrating. other people have they're own apartments and yet no one hangs out there. ugh. ok...i don't feel like talking about it right now. but the other thing i've bitched about stems from that. scott is too nice to send people away so he'll stay up until 3am and then not be able to get up for class in the morning. i understand he doesn't want to be an asshole but it's his responsibility to go to class. he's doing better this semester then he did the last few but he has yet to go to a full week of classes. the adorable thing though is that he knows it disappoints me when he doesn't go. if i ask he'll sound really ashamed and apologize profusely and ask me to not be mad. like a little kid. i think its really cute. i'm not mad about it, just disappointed. Scott is a smart kid and would be doing a great job in school if things hadn't screwed him over. I understand some bullshit stuff happened to him but part of it is, he doesn't think ahead. someone will ask him to party and he'll say sure....then he won't be able to wake up. so i've been bitching trying to get him to go to bed early and get up for class on time. hopefully this semester will go well for him.
and that really is about it. |
|
|
| ew...work |
[Aug. 13th, 2008|11:49 am] |
ok...i'm putting off getting ready for work as long as possible. because i don't wanna go. :(
so yesterday ian and i talked for hours about the most random ass stuff. it was awesome.
all my friends think i'm going to be the first out of all of us to get married. but i feel like that's so unrealistic. i was joking about this yesterday...but i kinda believe it. here's how i imagine scott's proposal: "so....we can get married...if you want" but it's not like we'll get married anytime soon. first of all he won't graduate for at least four years probably because he's on the 20 year plan. lol. seriously though, he's still technically a freshman even though he started school at the same time as me. i may graduate a semester late...but only with an associates anyway. and so i'll still have to go back to get my bachelor's at some point anyway. which i plan on doing fairly quickly after i graduate...but still. i want to do all that shit before i get married. and i really think i might want to go to SCAD (Savannah College of Art & Design). but scott wouldn't even think of moving there with me...at least not now. i mentioned it and he was just like "no" without a pause. but at the same time....he wrote his stupid paper for his suspension and in there he had a paragraph about me. he said he understood how his actions affected other people because now i will have to wait in charlotte for him to finish school before moving on with life after college (...or BEING A GROWN UP!!). reading that really hit me. because i know that most of the paper was bullshit but he wouldn't have said something like that if he didn't mean it. i mean...he seriously is thinking about four years down the road with me. that's scary...and cool all at the same time. especially since he would never talk about it. not like a certain ex that named our children and shit. that was a bit much. at least with scott it's always yeah mmhmm. he just goes with whatever i say but somewhere in there he actually thinks about stuff like that. yay. haha. but seriously...being the first to get married is scary. i mean...i feel like it's expected. the first married. the first with kids. ugh. my best friends will all be waiting for me. i know it. because i'm the one that's always in a serious relationship. i'm the one that can act like a wife or mother if i need to. i take care of people. and apparently...that means i'll be first? i don't know if i want that. i kinda wanna let someone else in our little group go first...that way i can have someone to help me, someone to talk to. if i'm first...then everyone will come to me for advice and junk. but what about me???? that is scary.
why am i thinking about this?
i need to get ready for work :( |
|
|
| this blows |
[Jul. 23rd, 2008|10:03 pm] |
i went to arkansas last week. it was fun, but i was allergic to something. so were my brothers and dad. and now i think it's turned into a sinus infection :( yesterday was my first day back at work and i had to go home sick because i almost passed out and then threw up. and today i still felt miserable.
why the hell am i always sick? i've been trying to be healthier but whatever. i guess i need to so more to keep myself healthy. ughhh i miss the simplicity of high school sometimes. lol.
♥ |
|
|
| :D |
[Jun. 11th, 2008|12:55 am] |
ok so first of all i love summer. i feel as if i've traded lives with another (probably broadwaylights....:( i'm sorry) because everything has been on the upswing lately.
i finally found a car. and it's great. a 2000 hyundai sonata, with only 91,000 miles on it. from what i can tell i'm getting about 24/25 miles to the gallon...and that's mostly city! the ride is incredibly smooth and quiet. and it's green. and it's great. it's my baby. soon it will have a name...i just have to decide if it's a boy or girl. haha. but anyway the point is i love my car.
my two best friends are home and i love it. i have missed gloria and amanda so much this year. i can't even begin to explain beyond what i've said since i started this journal. they have been my friends since my junior year of high school and the longer we're friends the closer we get. there is no "growing apart" between us. we have our fights and get irritated about things but when it comes down to it i know that those girls will be a part of my life forever...even if they do move to god knows where after college. i have spent a bunch of time with amanda, just hanging out at scott's. it's perfect because we're around other people so we have free entertainment and such, but we can also create our own little bit of conversation because no one really pays attention to everything that's going on. and gloria and i hung out with jerbear last week, then just the two of us. it was fantastic. we talked about so much, as always. it's great to have my asian sister back. i missed her more than anything in the whole world. i miss her sleeping on my floor when her mom kicked her out, and i miss working together, and i miss blakeney nights so much. but it's ok. because so far things have only been getting better.
scott and i just spent the last three nights together. it was great. we only fought once. i was upset because he called to say he was on his way home from paul's (i really wanted to take advantage of the rare moment when the apartment was empty) and of course...he didn't come for another hour...and he brought the whole gang. i was really upset because i'm tired of never getting to be alone with him, and he never tries to make time. i understand he has roommates but he does have his own room and we live in a big city and we both have cars. there are so many places and times when we could be alone but they're never acted upon and it's frustrating. but i am confident that it will be fine. although the alone time isn't as frequent as i'd like...it's incredible just the same. we always have so much fun just talking or watching tv or whatever it is we're doing. and of course we have great sex ;) basically things between scott and i are not quite perfect...which is the way i like it. if it was absolutely perfect i'd be quite worried about a storm brewing beneath the surface. and since we have our issues and we're working on them, and i'm doing my best to give him space when i'm there for more then one night i'm confident that we're doing damn good right now.
and friday is "friday the 13th" which is always my lucky day. yeah yeah yeah, it sounds ridiculous but it's quite true. last spring it was april 13th when i hooked up with a guy that caused me to realize i definitely needed to end my relationship with diego, no matter how difficult that may be. and i kicked ass at Risk that night :D september 13th was also an incredible day. mostly because that was the first night scott and i hooked up (we officially started dating the next night). and we had a great time. we watched movies on comedy central and just chilled....and i ended up coming on to him....and then spending the night ;) so yeah. i love friday the 13th and i can't wait to see what june 13th will bring....... |
|
|
crushed